Happy Finally...

Is it the lack of sleep from yesterday or the grueling 2 hour basketball match yesterday evening but I kind of feel happy today...Been a while since I could say that with full on conviction...

Well, I guess the tides are changing again...Well the best time of the year for me arrives in a month and I can't wait to experience the Christmas celebrations in this country.One of my life long dreams to experience the true spirit of Christmas and here is my chance.

Given the situation I find myself every now and often, it is amazing how I have kept my cool through most part during the past few weeks.

I guess I have made it a habit to blog during lectures now a days...I am actually entering this during an ABS lecture...Can you beat that...Am I paying 1500 pesos a class to do this...? I hope not...

By the way term 2 has been a drag as compared to term 1...Apart from GM classes which though interesting still can't get my full attention the rest of the classes are just crass and full of bs cp...

I have never been so disinterested in studies as I have been in this term...

Well I am looking forward to the 3 day weekend break to recharge my batteries , get a fresh perspective in life and enjoy some kick ass sports activity as well as find some time to party...

Given the amount of stress I have been taking these past few weeks, it makes sense for me to just step back and look at the bigger picture and relax myself for the struggles ahead...

Well enough said...I have rambled enough already...Now it's time for some Fifa for the next 20 mins before this class ends...

May be my next post will be more meaningful...

Football - My first love...

Thank God for football...I have no idea what I would have done without this sport...Since the first time I touched a football during my school days till date, I get such an adrenalin rush just watching a game of football that I can't put the feeling of how it feels to actually play it in words here.

My best time playing football were definitely after Xth std when I used to play football every night for at least 2 hrs. Sambit's building ground was my "Theater of Dreams" and it seemed that I owned the place...Wow I get goosebumps thinking about that time when playing football was the simplest thing I could do and at that time I was never had to be apprehensive about keeping my place in the team.I was always one of the first names on the team sheet.

This continued uptill my first and second year in engineering and I'll never ever forget the summer of 2002 when as part of the D.J.S.C.O.E team we won the the TSEc tourney for the first time...Wow what a tourney...I remember each and every game so vividly and it was so much fun playing with the seniors.Being the youngest in the team I was pampered so much by my teammates that I can't even comprehend.Year 2 was fun too but without any success...

3rd year of engineering was the most stressful as well as the most successful campain for me personally.It didn't help that I got injured before the start of the season but it was more diffucult to sit out in the sidelines after being fully fit.Not that the team wasn't doing well and that I wasn't getting game time but just sitting on the sidelines for 2/3rd of the game didn't really help me pshcologically. However as luck would have it I got my chance again in the TSEC tournament and I lead the attack scoring 4 goals in the tournament.However the season ended with a heartbreak as we lost our final match of the seaon on penalties and I was the one who scwered up the final penalty kick.

Well 4th year came and went and though we played a lot of matches in the final year, the feeling of camaradie amongst the teammates had dissappeared. It didn't feel like I was part of the team anymore.

Anyways the 4 years in D.J.S.C.O.E were the best as far as playing football and cricket went.Playing with classmates & friends was always fun and my whole engineering life revolved arounf the black and white ball...All I can say for that is I am happy with the memories.

Infosys Football Team:-

Enough said...The 3 years in Pune couldn't have been better as far as football was concerned.Though I never cemented my place in the final 11 till the end, it was pleasure knowing the guys and playing football with them when ever the oppurtunity presented itself. The fact that it was one of the most successful teams in the Pune IT circuit really helped keeping the dissappointment of not making the playing 11 consistently at bearable proportions but the fun I had in practice with the guys was something I'll always cherish.What a gang we had there...Oh boy...It brings a tear to my eye when I think about the batch of footballers we had in our group and the way we practised and the way we played and after winning more importantly the way we partied.

Well it's been 6 months here in the Phillipines and I have played the beautiful sport only twice now. However I have high hopes for this weekend.Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy the game the way I want and let myself go...Oh boy what would I do without football...

Plain and Simple...

Thanks Bindi for the scolding in the comment.I guess I don't have to complicate my life anymore...It's too complicated anyways to even think about getting it more complicated further.

I guess the best advice I have got and that's from you Bindi, is to just go on with life and enjoy each moment as it comes. Time will be the healer for everything I guess...

I am too young anyways to stress too much in life and bullocks to the world...

Understood loud and clear...I guess it's time to move on and experience new things along the way as well as think more intently about life after MBA...

So from today, the agenda each day is to do only simple things & enjoy the small moments in life...

That means playing football this weekend becomes the biggest priority and traveling the country as the second most important priority as of now.

Also I have to start focusing on studying in term 2 else I would be in a big ditch come term end.

Well I always plan things properly but never ever seem to be able to implement it till the end...
Lets hope this plan lasts at least a forth night.

Cheers...

Thank god I have people who actually know me well enough not to really judge me for my actions...

It's my life...Give me a break!!

Alright, agreed for the first time in my life I have gone ahead and done something which is very wrong in people's eye but for once I did something which I wanted to do...Something which felt right...Something which was there at the back of my head all the time, but which never ever came to the fore...

All my life I have been making sacrifices for people, be it my parents, friends, girl friends but in all this melee I always seem to forget about one important person---"Myself".

Okay agreed I have a lot of fun in life and can't actually complain about anything in my life, but does anyone around me ever realize how I manage to keep up with all the things around myself and still keep smiling most times.

I agree with people's view that I have a short fuse and that for the last 6 months here in AIM, I had had a few short fuses already but does anyone ever ask me why is it that I react that way to situations. Nobody see's when that when I make a mistake I'll be the first one to owe upto it and apologize without any ego involved but when it comes to judging people the knives are already sharpening.

Everybody seems to be such an expert in figuring out the kind of person I am but, I just wish ask one question to those people who believe they know me inside out..."How do you know me when I myself haven't yet figured that out yet?"...

I guess in this world the moment you forget about what people thing about you and just do what's important to you, that's the moment when everything starts making sense.

I know this senseless rambling isn't making any sense right now nor will it make anytime soon, but the minute I get this thing into my head that as hard as I try to please people around me and try to be in good books of everyone, the more stress and problems I am forcing onto my own life.

The fact that all through my life I have tried to keep everyone around me comfortable has been in the end my own bane. In the end of the day I know that there are a very few people who would never judge me for the decisions I take in life nor the choices I make but will stand blindly besides me even if I am on a course to self destruction.

ps:- Chai...Chill Maddi...Thanks for at least letting me know the general feeling around.I know it's difficult for people to digest but in the end it's my life...I don't want any approvals from anyone.Just live n let live...

Not that difficult to ask for...

The twisted way of fate...

How twisted can one get...? Is there really anything called fate in this world or is it just our imagination.Does God really have a path carved out for all of us or is it that we just keep walking on untrodden snow leaving our footprints behind not knowing where we are heading.

Is fate a reality or a figment of one's imagination.Everyone around says that "Naseeb main jo hota hai milega". but who is it that decides this "Naseeb" (fate). Is it us on our own or the environment around us, our parents or our friends or is it the mighty lord above us.

Sometimes I feel that there is nothing like fate at all.It's all in the mind. A human has his brain and mind to carve out his own destiny.All he needs is some luck and some sign for him to go ahead and get the job done.

As it is if fate had such an important role to play in everyone's life then wouldn't it been that every human would have just lazed around and let fate play it's part to perfection.

Given that there is a saying that " A man makes his own destiny" but is it really true? Is it really that a man can alone shape his own destiny without any guidance, sign or help.

I believe every successful and rich person in this world would have had one godfather or godmother whom he/she would like to thank from the bottom of his heart.

And for the rest there is the almighty?

I have no idea why am I writing about such an abstract topic.
I was thinking of putting down something else actually...

Anyways may be sometime later, when the times are better and I have finally settled in my own cocoon.

GM class on Coporate Ethics and Social Responsibilities

Today's class of General Management on Social corporate Ethics and Responsibilities was something which I could have done without. It was like a deja vu of all my feeling for the past few weeks and the unrest around me with my friends all screaming back at me.

The discussion on one's character, upbringing, moral sensitivity, ethical conduct etc was too much for me to handle. Wasn't it enough for me to be fighting my own demons that the universe conspires against me to this extend.

Well one thing which I did agree with during our discussion in class today was " the cost to be ethical could be both personal as well as generic". It's how you handle the stress which comes along with it.

I am done with all this shit of doing what is right and what is wrong.Agreed I have hurt someone really badly in this process but I have gone through the same thing sometime in my life and that's life in the end of it all...I am not pardoning myself from what I had done but the point is the problem was always there, just that the manner of it coming out could have been much better handled but well it wasn't to be...

I believe in " What goes around, comes around"...and I believe someday in life I'll be a deserved recipient of this saying and it's going to hurt like a bitch but till then, I should do what I feel like...

All said and done, nothing in this world is fair in most people's eye...It's just how you deal with the whole thing yourself, that's the most important thing...

In the end it really doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong, but what we gained and lost in the bargain...

Irony of life...

Why is that the human mind is never happy with what's on his plate at present.Why is it that he either wants what was there in the past or something which someone else has but he knows can't be had in the future.Then there are cases where he knows he has something great at the moment but not willing to acknowledge it at all...

Sometimes it easier to appreciate something when you have lost it rather than when we had it with us. The most appropriate example will be that of our childhood. When we were kids the only thing we wanted was to grow up quickly into teenagers and enjoy the thrill of reckless living. In the process we lost out on our childhood and also on the innocence of it all.

One of the biggest irony of life is you never get what u want, when u want. It's always either too soon or too late.Never perfectly timed. And by any chance if we do get to a situation which feels just right, we go ahead and ruin it by our stupid and idiotic behavior.

I guess, I have now mastered the act of jeopardizing my life. Whenever I feel relaxed and settled in life, I just tend to create a avalanche or a storm around me to disrupt my life altogether again.

Well I just hope at the end of this crossroad I'll be able to pick up the pieces...

Barely Breathing!

The aimless manner in which I have lived the past few weeks brings me to a very important question: Is it all worth it?...

I am barely enjoying life...
Barely surviving...
Barely thinking it over...
Barely sleeping...
Barely living...
n most importantly,

Barely thinking...

The clock keeps ticking and all I have to show for the last few days is more confusion and frustration.

Now I make the rules of the game simpler...It's either my way or the highway...

As one more Diwali away from home beckons, it's time to come out of all this turmoil and confusion and take a stand on all aspects of life...

Game on as far as I am concerned...

The crux of the situation still remains that:- it's my life...

Room no:-208

On a day when I had already decided at 5 am in the morning to bunk the first class of the day, my seemingly innocuous roommates decided to do exactly the same thing for the first time since I got to AIM 6 months back.

It's 8.16 am precisely and it's been 16 min since the class started and the last of my roommates from the adjoining condo just left the room for the lecture.The left side of 208 is still at it in their shorts and pajamas thinking about what to do for the next hour and a half.

As for me this morning has not at all been productive apart from the fact that this is my 3rd blog in the last 3 hrs...:)

Sometimes I feel that my life should have been confined just within these 4 walls of 208 with my fellow roommates. Life would have been so much easier to cope. Plus that would have meant that I only had to communicate with 5 more individuals apart from myself.I think I could have handled that in a much manner than the way I am handling the world at the moment.

Anyways there is exactly an hour to go for MCS and I am still stuck on the 3rd page of an 8 page case which has been lying open in front of me since 5.30 am...I better get going else the practice of waking up early in the morning will also not provide any perceivable advantage...

Mindless Rambling

Sometimes I wish, how I would have loved to have a command of the English language and write in an eloquent and polished manner using all the words and more which I learnt during my GRE days.

Then again, I beg to differ and feel nice about myself just because I am at least able to get words together to string sentences and progress to build paragraphs after paragraphs of crap.

I know a lot of people around me who hate the concept of blogging and don't like putting their viewpoints in front of the entire world but in my case I just don't care.I love doing this and blogging seems to sooth my mind and get me closer to myself. It kind of gets me all relaxed and happy even if I am not.

It also helps when most of the blogs I write is read by like only 2 people and that too occasionally. :)

But for me to reflect back and read my own blogs gets me all nostalgic as well as happy about the days I have spent and how I had reacted to those situations and circumstances.

I remember getting pretty excited in school whenever we used to have the annual essay writing competition.I only won a prize there like twice out of 6 years of participation but I used to love rambling off whatever I felt even if I didn't have what so ever idea about the topic.hee hee

I guess as I have grown up the situation hasn't changed much.I still don't know much about stuff and just ramble along what ever comes to my mind.

Well I guess now that I can't get my hands on a football on a regular basis here in AIM, nor can I play squash daily the best stress buster for me is to continue with blogging and writing crap load of shit to feed my underused brain.

How to alienate friends...

I am getting depressed now.The last few blogs are just a reflection of the amount of frustration I am going through...Yesterday after having one of the best 20-30 mins of a laugh riot of a conversation with my friends, the seemingly light hearted conversation had to turn nastly and full of tension because of just one micro second of my anger.

Now how do I make people believe that it's not something I do offhand and I have no fun getting heated up the wrong way. I agree with Nash and Nishant when they spoke to me yesterday night.This has been happening too often and with too many different people for me to even comprehend.

For the last 2 months I have been on a path of self restrain from anything which is both mentally and emotionally draining but as is the irony of life at this crossroad in life I find myself right in between this situation from where I have been trying to run away from.

In hindsight I have never found myself so aggressive and short tempered before in my life.I don't know what's wrong with me but these kind of outburst are one day going to land me in a soup from which I wouldn't be able to recover.

I guess now I need to just start avoiding people and get away from this whole thing and stay out of sight.Though I know how much I hate doing this but I have done it before and it did me a world of good so why not once again.

God for once I was thinking I'll have a blog which truly reflects me the way I am, but the way the last few weeks have gone I guess I can't even document 20-30 mins of my best times here in AIM with (alienated) friends.

Life and it's complications...

After being through a lot emotionally today, one thing I have realized is that the only thing I should really care about are my parents...After all in the end of the day it's not my friends nor my girl friend who are responsible for me to be at the position I am...

The video on u-tube which Patrick posted today really brought a tear in my eye because I could relate to that video wholeheartedly....

After having spend the last 8 years of my life building and trying to sustain relationships, I have now realized the most important thing in my life is not the women in my life but my parents.I have been neglecting them for a while thinking that they think I am fine but at the end of the day I am answerable to them than anyone else...

God knows what he has projected for me but from where i am looking at the moment it seems that I am really screwed up in the wrong places.All I want is my own space and my own freedom to think...

I only hope that i get the required sanity and peace in the next few days so that I can at least keep in check my emotions.

Life has never been really fair to me and though I never ever had any grudge as yet i do understand why life has taken a turn for the worse...Given the way I have lived my life happily ever after I guess in the end of the day God has given up patience and set up his own agenda which is to be followed....

I hate the fact that I find myself like this...In my 26 years of existence I have always found myself to be alone when most needed and the only one I could go to at these times has been me itself...

I remember when I was around 19-20 and crave to be in a relationship with someone but since I have got to that stage I guess I have lost all innocence and zeal in life.I agree it is really nice to be in a relationship but the fact that it takes out so much from you as a person, sometimes I feel it would have been better if I was single for all my life...

Well in the end you learn from experiences and one thing I have learnt after today is to be frank and true irrespective of what the other person thinks...

Sorry dodo but this is what I really feel about the whole situation...:(

Sleep at last!!

After having operated the last few days practically as a zombie, the afternoon siesta of 4-5 hrs has rejuvenated me to such an extend that, I jogged and then went to gym for close to 2 hrs today.

After all the drunken revelry for the past month or two, I have taken a conscious decision to reduce the amount of alcohol intake into my body.

Also, the zeal to study has reappeared from nowhere and though I am still a long way away from full throttle, at least the beginning signs are good.

As for all the confusion and tensions in life, I have just decided to keep things as uncomplicated as I can. Period...

Clueless...n sleepy...

First things first...Mr Chaitanya, Mr deep and Mr Anton congratulations on winning the seat to the SA committee.

Secondly kudos yours truly that after so many weeks of lofty promises I finally did something I had planned to do in class.

Over the weekend I had decided that the "Infosys case" for GM would be creamed by me come Monday.However the weekend went in a blur and then after the frustration and self examination period of today morning where I indeed finished up on this reading, the lecture went exactly as I had imagined sans some small aberrations.

Well today has been a very funny day.Starting with MCS where I was caught by the prof (of all the prof's it had to be Prof.Bolante...What luck) playing on my cell and he perceived that I was sleeping in class.

Then in GM class after I had identified the crux of the matter for the case and creamed the CP point for the day, I ruined it all by first getting caught off guard during the discussion and then just before the end of the lecture when I was just logging in to my lappie, the pointer turned to me and I was caught off guard and clueless in class.Not a good thing to end with given the blazing start I had in the class today....

Well today I also soo wanted to go to the gym and work out till I died so that I would at least catch up on some sleep tonite.However given the way things things are going with me, my luck seems to have ran out.The gym still closed today and I am hoping it will be functional from tomorrow.

The run at the park was a good stress buster and gave me lot of time to myself and contemplate on a few things.

Only the next few days will show how well the planning and implementation goes as far as my thinking is concerned...

Right now I have too much on my plate.Have to go to "Gilligans" to celebrate Chai's and Deep's success as well as then come back and play ball with the guys (Cohort 4)...

Chalo tackle em one by one...:)

What the *#$%!!!

It's 6.50 am in the morning, I haven't slept a wink the whole of last night, my brain is blank and I have this uneasy feeling right now for what rhyme and reason I have no idea.

The fact that why am I putting my thoughts down here right now is a mystery to me...

After reading about Infosys in one of our GM reading for today, I am compelled to think about my time in Infosys...Those 3.5 yrs...Were they worth it? Did I have any value add? Was it beneficial to me in any way? Could I have done things differently?

The answer to all the above questions and many more is yes...There is so much regret in the way things went with me in Infosys and the way I handled the different situations.

True I had awesome fun and made some truly remarkable friends, but in hindsight I spent my time in Infosys not leveraging my thoughts and abilities.

There was soo much that could have been done and so much which sshould have been done...

Now that I am doing my MBA, I can find a parallel to the whole thing.

The trouble is with me.I set plans and then instead of following them to completion, keep changing it to my whims and wishes.Though I potray that I am only enjoying even in AIM, I
have learnt a lot in the past 4.5 months but it is now time to implement some of the plans which I intented to do during my MBA...for e.g.:- Market analysis on the sports sector in Asia and a few paper presentations for different college competition.

Well the countdown begin then and this time I intend to see it through the end.

Though I still don't understand why the hell am I so frustrated and edgy today morning...

Finance WAC nite...

What do you call a nite when the worst and the best of all happens with you..?

Where one moment you are enjoying what you are doing and the very next moment you hate everything in sight...When you feel like being in heavens and the very next moment find yourself in hell!!!

Something like this captures my feelings about the Finance WAC which we finished yesterday.
The gang as usual included the usual suspects of Amrita,Saumya,Chai,Aseem n me with intermittent appearances by Sup's and the ever presence of Cathy and Joanne.

The fact that it was a Finance WAC was in itself a big turn off to begin with and on top of that the calculations which accompanied the WAC were though quite easy but really time consuming....
Amrita helped me out with the calculations and I was on my way...But this where the twist in this story comes.Thanks to 2 of my friends (Chai n Saumya) who had no inclination to write their own WAC's there was a delay or should I say stoppage in the process of WACing when these 2 came and joined us.Chai specially was at his best, getting food for everyone and making them eat and then giving running commentary as events unfolded on my facebook page...

As for the DE project me and Chai had, I think after yesterday that will also wind up since we gave away free popcorns to almost everyone.

Well this being the frustrating and at the same time the most enjoyable time during the WAC.
Now to the best part.We had started the WAC at 9 pm...(me and Amrita)...And as the WAC progressed I was also helping myself to the drinks being offered outside.

Well by the time it was striking 2 am I had already given up on my WAC.The fact that I was the one who gave the calculations to Saumya and Chai bears no significance here but that they were way ahead of me by the time we completed the calculations was testimony to the excelsheet skills or should I specify the lack of those skills.
I hate the fact that I am not as good as the others atleast with these softwares n all...How the hell am I gonna fight this in the real world only time will tell...

Ok back to the WAC.So at 2 am when I was so zoned out to do nothing but either drink or sleep, Joy and Tarun appear from nowhere and after the evaluation for the WAC was written by Chai ,Tarun formatted the whole thing and Joy got it printed out and passed it in to WAC hole.

Had it not being for them I am sure I would have stuck around for another 2 hrs doing nothing but just day dreaming at night....Irony...:)

Anyways thanks for the memories guys...This WAC has been as I said one of the best and worst that I can remember in this short stint in this MBA...

Luv this batch...Cohort 4 rocks...:)

Choices...

Since the time I had been a little kid or should I say since the day I was born life has been all about choices.Sometimes I sit alone n wonder if there are parallel universe in existence where one can live out all the choice one makes one at a time.

Say for e.g if I hadn't been in the school I went to, how different would my life would have been now? Or for e.g. (& I so believe in this one) had I not done so well in my 10th then would I have taken science ever and gone on to being an engineer which I eventually did?
Or what if I was allowed to take the college of my choice during my junior college days?

There are so many if's & buts here that I can't even imagine the different possibilities and choices in life I have made and also let go of...

The irony of life is you never regret your decision at the time of making them but later when there is no point regretting...I mean come on, how can life get so complicated just because of a few decisions and choices.

When I reflect back in my life, it seems it wasn't the lack of choices that I had but the lack of enthusiasm to exercise the choices which I really wanted to make.Though whenever I have really gone beyond the threshold and made a choice I have stuck to it...So at least 1 brownie point for me there.

Given the fast paced life we are living in, every moment we make a choice regardless of whether we are aware of it or not...

My only wish is by the end of it all, I just hope I don't let go of so many choices that when I really wanna decide there are no choices left at all...:(...